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Confession Friday 1.2 “I don’t want to go”

October 21, 2010

I originally wrote this post in October 2008. I wrote it as a journal entry, and never posted it. I’m sharing today as part of the Confession series, and adding new thoughts to the end.

Today, I don’t want to go.

I feel like this is such a sacrifice for me to go to Africa. Yeah, it’s Africa. It’s amazing. But I’m leaving Nashville. I won’t have a job when I get back, or a place to live. There are so many unknowns and I don’t like that. There is no Spanish in Africa. I want to speak Spanish. Yet, I still feel guilty about going to Guatemala instead of Africa. Plus, the program in Guate will still be there next year. But how much of this traveling do I want to do?

Today, I wish I were married and that someone else was doing this with me. Affirming the decision, living life together with me. Not that I was doing this on my own.

And the program. Angels of Mercy. For pregnant teens. This sounds like the field that I’ve always wanted to be involved in, yet, somehow, I don’t want to realize the dream. I’m like the glass shop owner [Alchemist reference]. The dream keeps me going, but the idea of realizing it paralyzes me.

Plus, I’m really attached to my things! Here is why. They were all given to me. So I didn’t have to pay for them. And when I return, then I will have nothing and I will have to purchase household items with the no money that I have.

“If God has called you to something, then nothing will keep that dream from being realised”.

Still don’t want to let go.

That was written two years ago! Of course, I went to South Africa and had an amazing experience. I am glad that I pushed through my fears and uncertainties and took the risk. I’m terrible at taking risks, because fears from past experiences get in the way. However, I’m always better for taking the risk, choosing to learn and grow from the experience.

Through many risks and many failures, I’ve become more confident, and more secure in God’s ability to redeem every situation. That doesn’t mean that I’m jumping at the chance to take a risk! I am simply learning that fear has no place when God is my focus.

Are your fears keeping you from taking a positive risk? When was a time that you pushed through your fear and took a risk? How are you different today, as a result?

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